July 20, 2015
SAVED BY A MIRACLE
My story of why I am beginning this website comes from a desire to share my stories of growth and transformations with my friends and with the world. This had been on my mind for a while but I was not sure how I wanted to begin.
A few nights ago when I needed a bit of a lift, I found a video by T.D. Jakes. His topic was “Growing in the Dark.” I have borrowed his title for my own story.
T.D.Jakes answered the question that had been concerning me. How do I set up a blog or a website where I can share my spiritual l experiences with others? Synchronicity supplied the perfect answer: He said in his talk,
“God is going to send you somebody who has what you lack- he will bring you out- he will bring you someone to help you. It will be someone who has what you lack and you will agree on things..He will use them to show you where to put your hands on the right spot. He will lead you to the spot and then all the obstacles in your life and break them down. Touch and agree in the word”
I was stunned this morning to have discovered a video by Gabrielle Bernstein that addressed this very issue. I became a little teary eyed when I recalled that somewhere I had written down the words that I would be finding someone to show me the next step to take along my path. I looked back in my documents that I had saved and there it was.
This is a sign for me that I am truly walking in the Tao and it is a beautiful journey of discovery.
I enjoy using the word shadow. We hide all that we have repressed inside our shadow self. Our growth takes place behind the scenes and suddenly the new growth will sprout up and shoot forth like the first call of spring.
Before we go further, I would like to let you know that I take inspiration from a diversity of sources; different religions, Buddhism, spiritual leaders alive and dead, all the way the interpretation of my natal chart and even Tarot. I put a variety into my spiritual soup bowl.
In his message, I guess you could say I am ‘more than a Christian.’ I do believe that is going to be the title to my book: MORE THAN A CHRISTIAN.
This has all been a miracle that I have found answers for beginning my stories of transformation that I can share with others.
STUMBLING OFF THE PATH
I made my own disasters by not listening to my own inner guidance system. I knew what I wanted and didn’t want even in high school and certainly, by college I was old enough to begin asserting my independence in my life decisions. My parents controlled my childhood and I was still obeying their commands outwardly. I did some rebelling that did me no good. I showed my independence by drinking and smoking my first year away from home. College was a chance to assert myself. I had the option of choosing a career path. I wanted to be an artist. I took an art course and felt intimidated by the work of the others in class. I didn’t find anyone in my class to be very friendly. I was insecure within myself. I wandered over to the music department. I had been in music all my life because of my dad and I felt at home with musicians. I dropped out of art and fell back into the tried and true even though it was not my passion.
As a teen I remember sitting at the dinner table with my family listening to them complain night after night about the problems at work. They were both teachers. There was always something negative to discuss and the money was not exactly plentiful either. We were not starving or anything like that we just didn’t have any luxuries in our lives and I wanted the luxurious.
I voiced my opinions and spoke my commitment to my future right then;”I will never be a teacher and I will never marry a teacher.” I figured if I had to I would marry any man no matter how old or ugly as l long as he had lots of money. He could support my art and I would have all the Lanz dresses I wanted plus a swimming pool behind the mansion that had a different room for every activity.
Now, that may sound like a shallow goal to have for your life, but at least I knew what I didn’t want.
Here is the really sad part and it isn’t because I didn’t find my old rich man it is because I stayed in music and chose the courses that would put me in line for a (you guessed it) teaching credential. I remember telling my folks that at the end of the second semester of college when they were down for a visit.
I expected that would illicit an enthusiastic cry of support from them. They didn’t have anything to say about it. It was silent. I filled the gap with, “well, I figured I’d always have something to fall back on.”
Two years later I married (you already know) a teacher.
How do you suppose my life was going to turn out? I had become what I hated most and had given up my chances to become an artist and marry wealth. No dreams and living in a world that was in conflict with my inner self and knowing.
I began teaching. Now I was a teacher married to a teacher. My life became silent except for when I drank too much wine and then I wrote hilarious letters to friends and family with little drawings and doodles to go with the scrawling.
Of course, you know that I am no longer a teacher and I am divorced.
Lots of things grew in the shadows over those years. I had more and more things to repress as time went on. I was a good wife and did what I was told. When I tried to assert my desire to step out of our tidy matrimonial pattern I met with a wall of refusal. My anger grew until it exploded and broke dishes and blew the entire marriage apart. I had done violence to myself and hurt another human being a well. It seemed that I was rejecting my husband, but really, I was making up to myself for having rejected my truth.
THE MIRACLE RESCUE
I will save this for another day..